Hairball Gazette Jan 22 2007 HAIRBALL GAZETTESt. Petersburg January 22, 2007Art Buchwald has died after almost achieving immortality. When he didn’t pass on as predicted, Art was quoted saying, “I thought I was headed to heaven, now it seems I’m going to Martha’s Vineyard.” Art, we all loved you, you gave us joy and you made us laugh. Wherever you are, I hope it is filled with laughter. You’re life wasn’t easy but it was more interesting than most. You were my hero.Another first, the Jehovah Witnesses tried to save me. Told them to make an appointment. Never worked for me, hope it worked for them. Stole that from The New Yorker.The JW visit is right up there with the dead car battery in a parking lot in Ft. Washington, Maryland. There I sat in 90 degree heat at 10:00 p.m. waiting for AAA. A woman came out of one of the stores and asked me if I had accepted Jesus as my savior. I told her only if he could fix my car. Otherwise, I was sticking with Mo from AAA. Josephine and Grace came to the rescue with jumper cables. Thanks again. I’m not against Jesus, but I needed a jump and a new battery.***War update, the one between me and the boy, nocaa, (reminder: no class at all), upstairs:Have found something far more effective than opera. The National Hockey League. A rousing, loud hockey game shuts him down, at least his TV. He just runs back and forth around his apartment like a chipmunk on speed. Maybe he’s autistic. Isn’t there medicine for that? I may have to subscribe to Centre Ice in self-defense. Like it would be painful to the person who sees hockey as God. Let’s face it, there’s hockey, then there’s everything else.Speaking of everything else, nocaa upstairs is crashing and banging at 1030 a.m. (night and day…) What an inspiration, God bless him. Decided he needed musical accompaniment. Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture to be exact. Keeping to the theme for the day, the next selection will be von Suppe’ overtures. His use of cymbals is amazing.The lawn service has arrive so now a lawn mower has been added to the mix. Prokofiev introduced the saxophone to symphony orchestras and Richard Strauss used wind machines. Has anyone considered the lawn mower?Prokofiev, has been added to the play list. Always wondered if those devoted watchers of the series Dallas knew the theme music was from Prokofiev’s ballet, Romeo and Juliet (Yes it was--I looked it up and played it). If they thought about it at all, they probably believed it was Hootie (I don’t know how to spell this and I’m not looking it up) and the Blowfish. Neeme Jarvi always does a great job with this composer, Prokofiev not Hootie et al.Working my way down from 3,000.Hey, it’s not just me. I have friends in Palm Harbor whose neighbor gets drunk and throws rocks at their house and they live in a toney neighborhood. This was the same guy who raised ducks in a wading pool in his back yard then barbequed them. Uck. Remember the movie, War of the Roses, with Danny Devito? Scary.Alas, Johnny Apple, died in possession of my conductor’s baton so I’m using a pencil.***Florida is amazing (amazing is the word of the month). Of all places, I ran across a mathematical genius in The Dollar Tree. Purchased four heavy, tall glasses to hold paint brushes plus assorted drivel. The cashier was shoving the glasses into a bag and I asked if she would wrap them (they usually do). She then proceeded to stuff paper inside but not around saying she wouldn’t want my fine crystal to break. The total came to $13.91. I gave her two fives and four ones ($14.00) making my change nine cents. She gave me a nickel and four pennies, then smugly counted out my original fives and ones, and, with two fingers, pushed them toward me as though they were diseased. Wow, a nine cent profit I thought but no, I did the two finger push back at her, saying sweetly that they belonged to the store. Buy retail, it’s less trouble.***The ApartmentThe building is circa Eisenhower Administration. Back then, Johnny came marching home, Rosie the Riveter turned in her hard hat for an apron, and rare was the household with a TV. (No CNN) There were no hand-held hair dryers (ladies put there hair up in bobby pins or those new fangled gadgets called curlers, and got Toni home perms) and the only computer, owned by the government, was the size of a Wal-Mart. Prosperity abounded and there was a building boom. Most things were designed by men who didn’t use them. I love men but you guys aren’t terribly good at doing bathrooms.Peculiarities: The large closet in the bedroom has a built-in shoe rack, which could hold maybe forty pair. However, it is located three feet behind the hanging rod so, if one actually used it, would have to crawl on hands and knees, under the clothes to retrieve a shoe. I stacked large plastic bins of art supplies back there. You never know when I’ll need to crawl back there to commit art.The building is solid concrete, which is great in a hurricane but not so much for hanging art and cell phone reception. Many of the tenants stand in the parking lot making calls. I broke down and got a land line.Central air was also rare for the middle class back then, even in Florida, so places like this were built for maximum air flow—now they’ve added window units but not in the kitchen. People didn’t do hot food in the summer.The other tenants consist of students, young people, regular people, a fairly unsuccessful hooker, an alcoholic couple, nocca and me. It’s very arty and I like it.Have labeled the kitchen cabinets that won’t close, Flying Doors I-VI. Also labeled all the walls with varies titles, Wall of Scabs & Nails I-IV, Minor Wall of Scabs, Turtle (hung one—fake) Climbing Wall of Scabs, etc. I think of it as the Hirshorn Museum of modern and weird art. Now that I have my paintings out of storage with Dennis, I’m trying to cover the worst. Tours available by appointment—send email.Electrical events abound. When I turn on the toaster oven and the TV at the same time, the circuits blow and I’m in the dark. Same goes for the microwave and Foreman grill. My computer and router are struggling mightily with this. With every crash, things uninstall themselves—all the sound is now gone and the computer informed me (a written notice, remember, no sound) that it was never installed. On the up side, that annoying voice that says, “you’ve got mail,” is gone.A woman knocked on the door at 1030 (1030 is showing up a lot) the other night asking for vegetable oil. Referred her to Publix. Wonder what she was going to do with vegetable oil at 1030 p.m. Interesting visual there, guess it wouldn’t be as sticky as Jell-O but just as messy as chocolate.This place does supply a plethora of inspiration for writing.Waldorf, Maryland, is beginning to look like the ground zero of urban sophistication. It isn’t, it isn’t. It does have plumbing and electricity though.Here I am asking for help. Would you please pray, incant, shake beads, bow to your iPod, whatever you do so that nocaa (Mike) finds a girl friend, who lets him stay over night or live with her ELSEWHERE? Or maybe a great job in Ketchikan, Alaska. Let’s just send him to his highest good some place else. Come on guys, this country was founded by a bunch of protestant, radical guys who didn’t design bathrooms, wore wigs and believed in religious freedom for all. Thanks.The gazette is turning into a blog, which will be weekly and shorter. What think? Let me know, please. I’ll keep you informed. In that way you can read it or not, plus comment.Have gotten a lot of positive feedback. Thanks.The only negative comment was made recently at a party. A former friend (perhaps acquaintance would be a better word) who, incidentally, has done nothing but be depressed, whine and complain about his wife and finances for the past 3 years, said that my gazette was a cry for help. If one more person had helped with my move, I’d have had to apply for a parade permit. That, actually, would have been a good idea.So folks, constructive criticism yes, projection no.Mercury goes retrograde on February 15, you’ll start to feel it on February 10. Mercury Rx is a time to redo, rethink, edit and NOT START ANY NEW PROJECTS. Do not, repeat do not, purchase electronic equipment like computers, stereos, etc., in a retrograde Mercury. For those who don’t believe in astrology, it’s going to have an impact on you anyway, so there. I’m planning to hide under the bed and cry for help (just kidding). This one runs through March 7, with lingering effects until March 16. Ergo, the house blessing (it’s already been cursed) will be pushed to late March or we could all hide under my bed and drink champagne.Oldsmar Florist will give you at 10% discount if you mention the Hairball Gazette: 813/855-4590 and 1/800-330-4500, http://www.tampabayflorist.com/. They are a family-owed and operated business, located a 3906 Tampa Road in Oldsmar that delivers all around the area and can wire your order any place in the country.Next month, the Mercury Rx edition and nominations for the Dumb Bastard Award for February.